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Nov 22Notary Public

Trasnscript TODO

Sep 24Whoa, Back Off, Man

Transcript TODO. It’s really short and I could type it right now, but “Transcript TODO” is like a tradition at this point.

Aug 30Proper Potty Warning

Transcript TODO

Aug 16Remember Me and Wonder

The comic IS the transcript, yo.

Aug 2Social Me

Transcript TODO

Jul 12Metaphor and Simian
Jun 22Jackaroo Dave

Transcript TODO

May 17Elephant-Free

Transcript TODO

May 10(Big) Top Candidate

Transcript TODO

Apr 26Demographic (from 2010)

Transcript WHATEVER

Apr 12What Is Irony?

Transcript TODO

Mar 22Flawed Revenge

Transcript TODO

Mar 1Barfy

Transcript TODO

Feb 23Path to the Nomination (from March 2015)

Transcript TODO — Not really.

Feb 16The Amazing Sparky (and Greg), Part 2

Transcript TODO

Jan 26Hat and Spider, Part 2

Transcript TODO

Jan 20Hat and Spider, Part 1

Transcript TODO

Hide Transcripts


Dec 29Butter Branding Battle

Transcript TODO

Dec 15Factoid

Transcript TODO

Dec 1How to Recommend Books

Transcript TODO

Nov 24Thanksgiving 2015

Transcript TODO

Nov 17The Amazing Sparky (and Greg)

Transcript TODO

Oct 30Mildly Halloweenie: “Night Clown” (2014)

Transcript TODO or whatever

Oct 27Vaguely Halloweenish: “Not Tonight” (2011)
Oct 6Empty Nest Brownies (from 6 years ago!)

Transcript TODO

Sep 29Tad Lincoln’s Story Time

A: …and the moral of the story is “slow and steady wins the race.”
T: The hell you say. Clearly the moral is “don’t get cocky.”

Sep 15Someone Else to Touch My Flagpole

Transcript TODO

Sep 1Tennis is Canceled
Aug 25Dumb Placeholder Comic Thank You Sorry

Who told you to come here and read this?

Aug 18Like Christmas in July
Aug 11Jacob Marley Jacob Marley

Transcript TODO

Jul 21TV Edit

Transcript TODO

Jul 14Poet Tree Epiphany

Transcript TODO

Jul 7You’re In Dance Mode

Transcript TODO

Jun 23Bird Box

Transcript TODO

Jun 2Slipper Closet

Transcript TODO

May 19Aquacentricity

Trascript TODO

May 5After the Firing
Apr 28NASA Beef

Transcript TODO

Apr 21Jerks and Nuts

A: You– you RUINED my birthday.
B: We know.

A: All I wanted was a nice dinner.
B: Yes. But then we spent the meal budget on these truck nuts.

A: I don’t even own a truck.
B: We know.

Mar 31Path to the Nomination

Transcript TODO

Mar 24Swim Machine

Transcript TODO

Mar 17Homework

A: Go do your homework, Chandler.
B: Already done. I finished it at school.
A: Wonderful! Show it to me.

B: FINE. I’ll do my homework now.
A: Wonderful.

Mar 10The DSK Duology

Transcript TODO, I suppose, but this is really two comics from 2011 re-posted together.

Feb 24Is Gonna Move Ya

Transcript TODO

Feb 17Verve Pipe


I want to feel

more fancy

I pull some


out of my

panache hole

Jan 27Clip Show, Plus One

Transcript TODO

Jan 20Bottle Episode

Transcript TODO

Jan 13It’s Like a DDT Comic from 1918

Transcript TODO. Actually, no, this one is just temporary.

Jan 6Taxing Year, 2014

Transcript TODO

Hide Transcripts


Dec 30Misunderstanding

transcript todo

Dec 23Christmas Gifts

Transcript TODO

Dec 16Howard’s Conference
Dec 9Sitar (from Feb 2013)

I dunno, man. I just don’t know.

Dec 2Mom’s Weakness
Nov 25Metacomical

Transcript TODO

Nov 18A Drag for Dennis

Transcript TODO

Nov 11Dating Advice

Transcript TODO

Nov 4Election Day 2014

Election 2014

Oct 30Night Clown

Transcript TODO

Oct 23Untaciturn

Transcript TODO

Oct 14A Nice Day in Pheasantville

A: Lovely weather.
B: Yes…

B: It’s quite PHEASANT.

Sep 30A Feast for Crones

Transcript TODO

Sep 16Healthy Fish Are Mean to Bob

X: You’re grotesque, Bob!
Y: No one wants YOUR fish oils, Bob!
B: Shove it up your Omega-3 fatty ASSES.

Sep 9Loaded Question (from July 19, 2011)


Sep 2Goliath’s Head, Part 2

Transcript TODO

Aug 26Goliath’s Head, Part 1

Transcript TODO

Aug 19A Swarm of Words

Transcript TODO

Aug 12Triskaidekaformletter

Transcript TODO

Aug 5Edgar Allan Poland

Edgar Allan Poland

Jul 29A Clash of Things

Transcript TODO

Jul 22A Grandma of Thrones

Transcript TODO

Jul 8Anna Gramms’ Eulogy

transcript TODO

Jul 1Myopic Denial

Transcript TODO

May 20Closet Sexual Enlightenment

Transcript TODO

May 13Considering Revenge
May 6Ballot Initiative

Vote NO on Prop K9

‘Tis cute but ’tis unnatural

Apr 29Expulsion Anxiety

Transcript TODO

Apr 22The Three Bears (Alternate Short Version)
Apr 8Cobblin’ Can Heal Leon

Transcript TODO

Apr 1Indie Hanna Jonze, Part 1

Transcript TODO

Mar 11Emperor Ford

Transcript TODO

Mar 4Bialik Plan

Transcript TODO

Feb 18New Curling Fans


Feb 11Me and NBC

Transcript TODO, or actually probably not.

Feb 4Swan Boat

Transcript TODO

Jan 28Yes Tomorrow

Transcript TODO

Jan 14Cookie Fight

A: Samoas!

B: Caramel deLites.
A: Samoas!

B: Caramel deLITES.
C: Fellas, Fellas!
A: …unnhh…
…Mango Cremes with NutriFusion™…

Hide Transcripts


Dec 31Dear Mr. President

Transcript TODO

Dec 17The Carolers’ Siege

Transcript TODO

Dec 11Dearest Tim

Transcript TODO

Nov 26Are You Not Entertained?

Transcript TODO

Nov 12Sequel Title Colon

transcript TODO

Nov 5Singular Joke

Transcript TODO

Oct 22The Forbidden Bedroom

Transcript TODO

Oct 15Not That I’m One to Talk

Transcript TODO

Oct 8Reliving High School

Transcript TODO

Oct 1Hughes On First

Transcript TODO

Sep 26Dubious Representation

Transcript TODO

Sep 17Crossing the Bridge

Transcript TODO

Sep 10No More Stays in Vegas

Transcript TODO

Sep 3Potent Beard

Transcript TODO

Aug 20Egg Minus
Aug 13Over-Under
Jul 30Camel

transcript TODO

Jul 23Rejected Aesop’s Fable No. 28

Transcript TODO

Jul 11Ask the Founding Fathers, Epilogue

Transcript TODO

Jul 9Ask the Founding Fathers, Part 3

Transcript TODO

Jul 5Ask the Founding Fathers, Part 2

Transcript TODO

Jul 2Ask the Founding Fathers, Part 1

Transcript TODO

Jun 27Vermeers

Transcript TODO

Jun 18Mr. Marbles’ Concussion Therapy

Transcript TODO

Jun 11Heavy

Transcript TODO

Jun 4Pi Pi Inside

transcript TODO

May 28Hearts and Flowers

Transcript TODO

May 21Minutemen

Transcript TODO, as ever.

May 7Run-On Sentence

Transcript TODO

Apr 30Infallibility Hat, Part 2 – Special Edition

Transcript TODO

Apr 23The Forest Moon Chit-Chat Ambiguity

Transcript TODO

Apr 16Marble Madness

transcript TODO

Apr 9Rumpelstiltskin, Day Three

transcript TODO

Apr 2(To Chinese and Back Again)
Mar 26Unreliable Narrator

Transcript TODO

Mar 19For-Profit College Grad

transcript TODO

Mar 12Infallibility Hat, Part 2

transcript TODO

Mar 5Infallibility Hat

Transcript TODO

Feb 26Tell-Tale Taint

transcript TODO

Feb 19Sitar

Transcript TODO

Jan 29Misinspired

transcript TODO

Jan 22Sworn Off
Jan 15New Year’s Hopes, Part 3

Transcript TODO

Jan 8New Year’s Hopes, Part 2

Transcript TODO

Jan 1New Year’s Hopes

transcript TODO

Hide Transcripts


Dec 25Christmas

Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays

Dec 18Fellowship Notes

transcript todo

Dec 11Beard Beard Beard Beard Beard

transcript TODO

Dec 4Why I Don’t Like to Visit

Transcript TODO

Nov 27NSFW

Transcript TODO, I guess.

Nov 20Sky Jack

Transcript TODO

Nov 13UltraMop

Transcript TODO

Nov 6(It’s Election Day!)

Get out there and vote, people.

Oct 30The Deal with the Deal with the Devil

Transcipt TODO

Oct 23Fantasy Presidential Debate League

Transcript TODO

Oct 16Null and Voidance

Transcript TODO

Oct 9Margin of Aaron

Transcript TODO

Oct 2Edison’s 99%

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% INTIMIDATION

Sep 25Aaron Sorkin’s Unintended Consequences

Transcript TODO


Transcript TODO

Sep 11Mantra Cycle

transcript TODO

Sep 4Paxxon, When He Carried the One

Transcript TODO

Aug 28On the Subject of Reavers

Transcript TODO

Aug 21Hubert, Happy John

Transcript TODO

Aug 14The Kenny Loggins Biathlon

Transcript TODO

Aug 7Considering Revenge

Transcript TODO

Jul 31I Can’t Stop, It’s Too Hard

transcript TODO

Jul 17Wontons

transcript TODO

Jul 10Illiterature

Transcript TODO

Jul 3Posthumous Porn Purge

transcript todo

Jun 26Boring vs. Uncomfortable
Jun 19The Pork Knight Returns

transcript todo

Jun 12Painful or Miserly?

Transcript TODO

Jun 5Not Quite My Jam

Transcript TODO

May 29Antarctic Slush

Transcript TODO

May 22Bruce Swine

transcript TODO

May 15Grandpa’s Limitations

Transcript TODO

May 8Old School

Transcript TODO

May 1Last Request

Transcript TODO

Apr 17Lavender

Transcript TODO

Apr 10-ismism

Transcript TODO

Apr 3Bias Bias

transcript TODO

Mar 27Enter Views

Transcipt TODO

Mar 20Auto-Corrected to the Aquarium

Transcript TODO

Mar 13Margaret and Madeline

Transcript TODO

Mar 6Pele

Transcript TODO

Feb 28Ends and Memes

Transcript TODO

Feb 21Strawberry Paul McCartney

Transcript TODO

Feb 14Messaging

Transcript TODO

Feb 7Garfield’s Odious Treatment

Transcript TODO

Jan 31Do Corporate Persons Dream of Outsourced Sheep?

Transcript TODO

Jan 24Hanged, Man

Transcript TODO

Jan 18Apocalyptic Blame

Transcript TODO

Jan 10TWBB Adoption

Trnspscipt TODO

Jan 3Droid Junk

Transcript TODO

Hide Transcripts


Dec 24Ghost and Spirits

Transcript TODO

Dec 23The X Days of Xmas, Day 4
Dec 22The X Days of Xmas, Day 3
Dec 21The X Days of Xmas, Day 2
Dec 20The X Days of Xmas, Day 1
Dec 13Bad Piano Instructor

transcript TODO

Dec 6Zeus is Not the Best Husband, Part 2

Transcript TODO

Nov 29Zeus is Not the Best Husband, Part 1

Transcript TODO

Nov 22Sadie Hawkins Dunce

Transcript TODO

Nov 17Unconventional Name

Transcript TODO

Nov 8Phone Cords and Busy Signals

A: See, Honey, REGULAR phones have two parts: the BASE that rings when you get a call, and the HANDSET you pick up to answer it.
B: I don’t get it.
C: What’s this about?
A: It seems Tracy doesn’t know anything about landline phones, so I’m informing her.

C: Oh, leave her alone, Paul. She understands cell phones. Maybe she won’t even NEED to know–
A: Ann, this is knowledge that our parents and grandparents had! Are you suggesting that somehow–in the miniscule span of time between diapers and training bras–this knowledge became COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT?
Moreover, that ANY and maybe ALL of our accumulated life knowledge might be TOTALLY USELESS to our daughter before we even have a chance to impart it?
That would be TERRIFYING if it were true, wouldn’t it, Ann?

C: Tracy, the “handset” is the part you hold up to your ear. To make a call, you lift the handset off of the base, check for a dial tone, then–
B: What’s a dial tone?
A: I need a drink.

Nov 1Zeus is Not the Best Spouse Chooser

Transcript TODO

Oct 25Not Tonight

A: I feel so VULNERABLE all alone in this big house at night.

B: Hold it right there, pretty lady! I’m Carl, an escaped convict with nothing to lose!
I’m going to shoot you dead unless you take off that dress and dance for me!

A: Nah, no. I’m just not feeling it.
B: …But… the gun… and the boobie dance…

A: I’m sorry, Bill. I’m too exhausted for Role-Playing Night tonight.
But maybe Carl the Escaped Convict would like to watch me get ready for a bath?

B: Carl WOULD like that.
Carl hasn’t seen a real live woman in eight years, let alone one as pretty as–
A: Can Carl please PEEP SILENTLY?
B: …Okay.

Oct 11Zeus is Not the Best Houseguest

transcript TODO

Oct 4Zeus is Not the Best Listener

Transcript TODO

Sep 27Col. Know-It-All

Transcript TODO

Sep 20The Gut Whisperer

Transcript TODO

Sep 13Commando In Chief

Transcript TODO

Sep 6Garfield’s Bullet

Transcript TODO

Aug 23Howard’s Manuscript

Transcript TODO

Aug 16Up There

Transcript TODO

Aug 9Calendar Girl

Transcript TODO

Aug 4Supplying Demands

Transcript TODO

Jul 26Planet of the Mutants

transcript todo

Jul 19Loaded Question

Transcript TODO

Jul 12Hugh Can’t Handle the Truth

Transcript TODO

Jul 5Undeclared

transcript todo

Jun 28Sauce Chart

transcript TODO

Jun 21Truth Sauce

Transcript TODO

Jun 16Truth Wings

Transcript TODO

Jun 7Mammogram

Transcript TODO

May 31Interpretation

Transcript TODO

May 24Horse History

Transcript TODO

May 20Jacked Science

Transcript TODO

May 10Measure of Loss

A: Let’s say someone wants to find a chicken recipe that doesn’t use any quarter-cup amounts of anything.
Could Google Recipe Search help someone do that?
B: Why would someone WANT to do that?

A: Maybe someone just wants to prepare a delicious meal without having to deal with 25 percents of things!
B: You lost one of your measuring cups.
A: Andrea took it with her. But I don’t need HER, and I don’t need quarter cups. I live in a quarter-cup-free lifestyle now.

B: Come on, man. It’s been 6 months since she left.
Half-fill your half cup. Or use 4 tablespoons. Or just buy a new quarter cup. Or borrow mine.
These are all things a sane person would consider doing.
A: NO! No quarter cups! It’s the DEVIL’S MEASUREMENT!

May 3Salty

A: That’s way too salty for me.

Sign: Best Motherfucking Caviar in Town! $90.00 / oz

Apr 26Remove Something

transcript TODO

Apr 19Egg Hunt

Transcript TODO

Apr 12Poor Scientist

Transcript TODO

Mar 29Strawberry-Kiwi Smoothie

Transcript TODO

Mar 22Nice Offensive

transcript TODO

Mar 17Saving Stickler

Transcript TODO

Mar 15Scream Forward

A: Writing is FUN, Grandpa! I’m making a screenplay!
B: That’s great. Mellie! What’s it about?
Police are hunting a serial killer known as the “Daylight Savings Killer”.

B: Thats… not as adorable as I imagined.
A: I’m not sure if it’s going to be a crime thriller or a slasher film.
B: Uh-oh. I was the one that encouraged you to write a story, wasn’t I?

A: I’m calling it Fall Back and Die.
B: Oh, God.
A: What? Too cheesy? I’m not married to the title.

Mar 8Prisoner, Part 3

transcript todo

Mar 1Prisoner, Part 2

Transcript TODO

Feb 22Prisoner, Part 1

Transcript TODO

Feb 15Sex Coupons

Transcript TODO

Feb 8No Less Than Three for Pete

Transcript TODO

Feb 1Lifetime Value

Transcript TODO

Jan 25Ambiguity

Transcript TODO

Jan 18Old Porn

Transcript TODO

Jan 11Horizontigo

Transcript TODO

Hide Transcripts


Dec 28Buffoonery

Transcript TODO

Dec 21Conspicuous

Transcript TODO

Dec 14Frankincensed

Transcript TODO

Dec 7Biology and Bad Chemistry

Transcript TODO

Nov 30Parable Buster

Transcript TODO

Nov 23Windows 8

Transcript TODO

Nov 16Family Bonds

Transcript TODO

Nov 9Riddle’s End

Transcript TODO

Nov 2Coroner

Transcript TODO

Oct 26John Hancock

Transcript TODO

Oct 19Sphinx’d

A: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three in the evening?
B: Man.
A: You mean, like, “MAN is this ever a difficult riddle,” or…?

B: No. I mean the answer is “man.”
A: What? Shut up. Explain why that’s the answer!
C: That’s the answer?!

B: As a baby, we crawl on all fours, after that we walk on two legs.
When we’re elderly we often use a cane: three legs, as it were. The day is a metaphor for a normal lifespan. Did I miss anything?
A: Well… I… Uh…

A: Uhhh… CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve solved the practice riddle. Now you’re ready for the REAL riddle.
B: Oh come ON
C: I call bullshit!

Oct 12Let Go

A: The worst part about my leaving is the REGRET I feel. Regret that our relationship–
B: Hold on.
I’m sure that by some definition, the word “relationship” is applicable.
But in practice it implies something very different than what we had.
We’re not even FRIENDS. We’re acquaintances at best.

A: And that’s my point! It weighs on my soul that our relationship–
B: Acquaintanceship.
A: –our acquaintanceship will end before it had a chance to blossom into something greater.
In fact, now that I find myself once again in your intoxicating presence, I can hardly recall or fathom what tremendous force could be taking me away from here!

B: It was the tremendous amount of PORN that I.T. found on your laptop hard drive. You really don’t remember? This was just last week!
A: Okay, OKAY!
YES. It’s all coming back to me now.

Oct 5Nicknames

A: It’s my last day today, Marla.
B: I know. I circled it on my calendar.

A: I’ve always sensed an underlying attraction between us, Marla. And I’ve admired your ability to keep or relationship expressly professional.
B: I see. It certainly has been a struggle.

A: I’m kind of embarrassed to tell you this, but my pet name for you is “Speedbump,” because whenever I see you I have to slow down to take a better look.
B: Well you’ve CHARMED me into admitting it…
…My nickname for YOU is “auger” because you’re a boring TOOL.

Sep 28Lady Gaga Justin Bieber Twilight

B: I have some pseudo-political topic I’d like to discuss!
A: Alright. Shoot.

C (thinking): Oh, Jesus. These same art assets again.
A: What’s up, mac? We’re talking here.
C: I know. That’s the problem.

C: This webcomic is web traffic poison! Artwork pulled from the dustbin and sloppily arranged for WHAT? A talking hat? “T-shirt nukes”? Eleven comics about Oedipus and the Sphinx and she hasn’t eve said the damn riddle yet?
No, no, no. we must reclaim this space while we still can.

B: Now look here, sir! You at least have to let us finish this strip!
[Kittens! Kittens! Kittens!]

Sep 21Twenty Ten

A: All’s I’m saying is last year we all agreed it was “Two Thousand Nine.” We didn’t say “Twenty-Oh-Nine.”
So why am I supposed to call this year “Twenty Ten”?
B: Because that’s the superior way to refer to almost all years. The last decade was an awkward exception.
A: Well I’m not changing back.

B: Really. So you’re going to stubbornly fight popular convention for another 89 years?
A: Yup. I’ll be the old broad calling it “Two Thousand Ninety-Nine.”
B: Wanna bet?

[Narrator]: MUCH LATER…
B: Well, Diane. What year is it?
Dammit, Bill, you didn’t have to wait 89 years to check up on me!
I gave up on that, like, SIX MONTHS after we talked.

Sep 16Operation Dumbo Drop

A: Deep Impact
B: Something Wicked This Way Comes
C: Scent of a Woman

[group]: Any Which Way But Loose
A River Runs Through It
The Longest Yard
Some Like It Hot
Rear Window

D: Excuse me. Are you naming Oscar Nominees, or Kevin Bacon movies or something?
C: No, it’s sort of a game…
…in which you name real movie titles that are funny if you imagine that the movie is about pooping.


A: So here’s the deal, Ed. I tell you the riddle. If you solve it, I let you into the city. If you don’t, I kill you and eat you.
No one’s solved it yet.
C: It’s a toughie!
A: Thank you, Leon.

A: So are you SURE you want to go to Thebes? The city has seen better days.
Their king is missing and presumed dead. And since I got this gig, They’ve been totally cut off from the outside world.

A: HEY, LEON. How’s Thebes holding up?
C: It sucks pretty hard in there!

A: See?
BUT… on the other hand, I bet you’d get quite the hero’s welcome.

A: And I hear that the Thebans are offering sex with their widowed queen as a reward to anyone who bests me.
So that might be a nice treat for you, yeah?
B: Perhaps. Is she hot?

Aug 31Booming Boilerplate

A: Here we go.


B: Gods DAMN that was loud.
A: I know, right? It’s no treat for me, either. Doing the booming voice is EXHAUSTING.
The Sphinx Handbook says I gotta do it, though.

Aug 24Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me

A: I just signed a deal to make my life story into a feature film!
B: Whoa. Wow. Congratulations, man. That’s… surprising.
No offense, but would I WANT to see a movie about your life?
A: Oh, right. I forget that you didn’t meet me until after I settled down with Darlene.
But yeah. I was involved in a whole bunch of crazy stuff in my youth.
Like this one time, in Mexico.

A: We just wrapped up filming a documentary on human smuggling. I’m waiting for my ride to the airport when this guy pops out and mugs me! He knocks me out cold and steals everything I–

Aug 17Get On With It

A: Very well, Ed. But in order to continue–
C: Turn back, traveler! Turn back while you still can!
A: Stifle it, Leon. I’m working here.

B: So what’s the deal with Leon?
A: I caught the bugger trying to escape the city this morning.
But he amused me, so I decided to keep him around for a few more hours.

A: Heh-heh. You know what his response to the riddle was?
“An Ikea table that breaks and then is poorly repaired.”
HA! That STILL cracks me up.

B: I don’t get it.
Hey, did you say something about a riddle?
A: Yeah, yeah. I was getting to that.

Aug 3Power of Ten

A: I just can’t understand why people get so damned excited at the thought of a zero in the ones place.
If we all had 6 fingers on each hand, people’d be going nuts over every 12th thing.

A: But we happen to have 5 per hand, so we’re supposed to celebrate every time we encounter a multiple of ten.

A: And if it’s a multiple of ten where you need to add another digit? FORGET IT.
People go APESHIT.
Just ’cause the number got WIDER.

B: Fine, Grandma. FINE.
It’s NOT a big deal that it’s your 100th birthday.
Let’s just go have a nice brunch because I’m here and we’re both hungry.

Jul 27Meal Plans

A: So what’s your business in Thebes, Ed?
B: Oh, you know. Clothes shopping. Some geocaching. Maybe catch lunch.
Does it make a difference, beast?

A: Oooo! You’ve got spunk! I like that.
And so calm! It was like you weren’t even surprised to see a monster jump out at you.
B: Well, as I approached I really couldn’t help but notice the skulls, blood trails, and disorganized piles
of half-eaten dead guys.

A: Very perceptive, Ed!
B: Yeah. I’m observant like that.
I also noticed the one-legged man sitting near that pile of feet.

B: He’s staring at us right now.
C: Hello.
A: That’s just Leon. I’m saving him as a snack for later.

Jul 20Oedipal Obstacle

A: Well HEL-LO, half-naked traveler!
B: Hi. I’m Ed.

A: And where are you headed, big boy?
B: Thebes.
You know. That big city right behind you.

A: Ooh, I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Ed!
I hear there’s a monster lurking about who destroys and consumes men who try to enter Thebes.

A: I AM that monster, Ed.
B: Yeah.
I kinda figured that out.

Jul 15Thinking Cap

A: You’re an ass-hat, Pat, you know that?
We were just about to leave the party when you screwed everything up by opening your big…

A: WHAT is it that you use to talk?
B: Prosopopeia waves.
A: WHATEVER. Now I gotta go back in there and smooth things over with my boss.
That’s gonna make us late for Jimmy’s poker night,a nd I might not get a seat at the table.

B: Maybe I can help.
We could split up.

B: You stay here, and I’ll go on a head!
A: Don’t try to make me laugh, Pat. I’m still pissed at you.

Jul 13Hat Rack

B: I’m sorry, but it was clearly a joke. Doesn’t your boss’ wife have a sense of humor?
A: That’s not the POINT, Pat!

A: You embarrassed her in front of her guests! And her kids, too!
B: I didn’t know her kids were at the party, I swear.
A: Again, not the point.

A: Why did you say ANYTHING AT ALL?!
B: There was a busty lady standing next to an ornate mahogany hat rack.

B: The double entendre was too juiy to resist!

Jul 7Hat-astrophe

A: Oh my god, I am so SO sorry.
Pardon us for a moment.

A: What are you DOING to me, Pat!?
That was my Boss’ WIFE.

A: I brought you here to make me look good.
Dapper, even.
NOT to be inappropriate and get me kicked out of the party or FIRED.

A: Well? Do you have anything to say for yourself?
B: Uh… I’m thinking…

Jun 29From Within

Transcript TODO

Jun 22Awkward Ride

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Jun 15E3

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Jun 8Didn’t Catch On

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Jun 1Cruise

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May 20Grown-Up Action

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May 18Wacka-Chicka

Transcript TODO

May 11Panicdote

transcript TODO

May 4Demographic, Part 2

B: So you really don’t want me to do your survey? Seriously?
A: Yeah, no. No thanks.
B: But you said that I look like a guy who knows what’s what!

A: That was before I knew you were 35.
Just take some solace in the fact that you still LOOK like someone whose tastes are catered to.
You certainly look a lot younger than I did when I first turned old.

B: That’s enough. I want to talk to your supervisor!
A: Yeah, THAT makes you sound young.
Look, it was my supervisor who told me not to bother surveying middle-aged people. There’s not even a checkbox here for you.

A: Besides, shouldn’t you be listening to Coldplay and training for your first half-marathon about now?
B: It’s next month! I hope I’ll be ready. I’m really proud of my progress–

Apr 27Demographic

Transcript TODO

Apr 20Transitive Scandal

transcript TODO

Apr 13Easter Calculus

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Mar 30Autocritical

Transcript TODO, as always.

Mar 23Enormous Rod

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Mar 16Toeing the Line

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Mar 9New Curling Fans

Transcript TODO

Mar 2Franklin’s Constitutionals

Franklin: Gentlemen, we should all come together, or assuredly we shall all come separately.

Caption: Franklin beseeches fellow delegates to attend his circle jerk.

Feb 23Guess What

Transcript TODO

Feb 16Final Karma

Transcript TODO

Feb 9Umm…

Transcript TODO

Feb 2Earworm

A: I’ve got “Karma Chameleon” stuck in my head!
B: That sounds fun.

A: It WAS. But it’s been THREE DAYS now!
It’s driving me CRAZY!
It swirls around and around! I’m whistling it at work without realizing! It won’t let go of my brain!

B: I haven’t heard you whistling.
A: It’s not all the time. It comes and goes.

A: It comes and go-o-o-oes…

Jan 26Minimum Resolution

A: I’M HOME– Whoa. What’s all this?
B: Oh, hey, Mary. We were just hangin’ out. Talking about how our New Year’s resolutions have been going.

A: …okay…
B: What about you? Anything you’re going to improve about yourself in 2010?


A: No.
B: WRONG. You’re going to quit drinking. This is an intervention.

Jan 19Riddler on the Roof

A: I know that those gentlemen SOUNDED very sincere, but I can assure you: Broadway is NOT overrun by a glut of superhero musicals.
B: So Riddler on the Roof isn’t a real Broadway show either?

A: Alas, no. They were just spoofing a real musical. But don’t feel bad! It was quite the elaborate hoax.
B: I’ll say! They even sang a song from it!

B: If I were the Bat-Man / Ya ha deedle deedle bubba bubba deedle deedle dum

B: Jeez. In hindsight, it’s pretty obvious that “ya ha deedle deedle” isn’t part of a real lyric.
A: Well, actually…

Jan 12Sham

A: I’m sorry to intrude, sir, but I’m afraid those gentlemen were lying to you.
B: Those guys were so friendly! They wouldn’t–

A: They know that you’re from out of town. They were messing with you for their own amusement.
Like when they told you that most new Broadway shows are about comic book superheroes.

B: So it’s just SOME shows, not most?
A: No. None.
B: What about Kent, the musical about Superman’s parents?
A: They made that up.

B: Vulture and the Amazing Spectacular Spider-Man?
A: Nope.
B: Darkseid Story?

Hide Transcripts


Dec 29Christmas Banter

A: Their family name is Christmas, and she was born on December 25th, so they named her MARY CHRISTMAS.
B: HA!
C: That’s cute!

C: Little Murray Card across the street is only one year old.
Perhaps on day Murray will marry Mary Christmas!

A: I’m sure he’d make her very happy.
She’d be a very merry Mary Christmas-Card!

C: If the wedding were on her birthday, they could send out Christmas card Christmas-Card wedding announcements!


A: I’ve got nothin’.
B: Well that was fun!
C: We oughta get going.
D: Seriously? THAT’S our last conversation of 2009?

Dec 22After White Elephant

A: Pssst!

B: Yes, Love?
A: This party’s lame let’s slip out after White Elephant.
How about I take you home, slip into something comfortable…

B: Yeah?
A: …and read upstairs so you can watch football on the big TV.
B: Oh, MAMA!

Dec 15Thine Douchebaggery

B: Alright, so I included some epithets that weren’t said back then. Is that all?
A: No, sir. Nearly all of your pronouns are from the wrong century.
B: I takes places in the 1880′s, you know.

A: Exactly. But you’ve got everyone spouting “thee” and “thou” and such.
And it looks like you just picked random words and appended “-est” to them.
Drop all of that.

B: But that would strip my favorite line of all its power!
Where my hero falls to his knees and belows,
“Thine douchebaggery hathest wrought oodles of crap upon these lands!”

A: I know, sir. That was my favorite line, too.
For different reasons, I suspect.

Dec 8Proofreader

A: I’m done proofreading your webcomic, sir.
I appreciate that you’re trying to write authentic dialogue.
But I’m afraid you have neither the English language skills nor the knowledge of history needed to do a proper job.
B: Ouch. What am I getting wrong?

A: One example: your Victorian-era Londoners run around calling each other “Douchebag.”
B: Well, wouldn’t they?
If there was, you know… douchebaggery afoot?

Dec 1Flavor Crystals

A: Legal just cleared the name for our product’s flavor delivery system: “Flava Krystals.”
I suggest that we secure FLAVOR FLAV to be the face of our product, ASAP.
(B: Ooooh! I hope he’s available.)
C: Perfect! That NAILS the retro-kitsch / WTF vibe that our target demo craves!

D: But his name is FLAVOR Flav. Why don’t we call our thing “FLAVOR Crystals”?
A: Our competitor’s product has “Flavor Crystals.” That leaves US with “Flava Krystals.”
D: I don’t know, the whole thing just seems… silly.

A: There’s nothing “silly” about a $200 million marketing campaign.
Now look, I’ve got 100 crates full of plastic viking helmets in our warehouse, ready to go.
Are you gonna get on board the “Flava Krystals” train or not?
D: It’s just that I…

Nov 24Transformers 3

B: So did you hear that I’m in pre-production on Transformers 3?
A: Yeah! I won’t be seeing it.
B: What-WHAT? It’s going to be awesome!

A: I’ve seen your “awesome.” I’ll pass. I didn’t even see Transformers 2.
B: Why now!?

A: Because of Transformers 1. Look, I just think that you took something I liked as a kid, which is probably dumb to begin with, and made it bigger and dumber.

B: You just don’t like good movies.
A: I was just about to say the same thing to you.

Nov 17Because They’re Idiots, Dear

Mother, why did Father’s friends snicker when I said that I love to stick my hands in my muff?

Nov 10Jazz Notes

A: When I was a kid, Jazz was one of my favorite Transformers.
Looking back though, I realize that he was a collection of black stereotypes.
But it was the 80′s, and he was a positive and respected character, so I don’t know how bad it is, if at all.
Then a live-action movie comes along 20 years later that plays to all the same stereotypes.
I still don’t know what to take away from it.

B: You just don’t understand the character of Jazz.
It’s not the stereotypes they play to, it’s the stereotypes they DON’T play to.

Nov 3Sitting President

GW: Let me have a look.
A: I’d prefer it if you’d sit still, Mr. President.
GW: I’ve been sitting still for hours, Gil. I’m ready to see your progress.
A: Alright, let’s take a break.

GW: What’s this!? You made me look like a mushroom.
A: That’s how you look.
GW: Oh I do NOT.
and why do I have such rosy cheeks?

A: I don’t know. Why DO you have such rosy cheeks?
GW: Martha!
Take a look at this.
M: Oh! That’s not a very good likeness at ALL!
A: What!?

M: You made hiim look like a mushroom.
A: You two are loopy on laudanum or something!
I’m telling you, this likeness is right on the money.

Oct 27T-Shirt Nuke

B: So what is your invention, then?
A: Like I was saying, it’s a revolutionary step forward from the t-shirt gun.
Ladies and gentlemen, the T-SHIRT NUKE!
F: oooOOOooo!

D: Okay, Larry’s impressed. But might you explain it to the rest of us?
E: It sounds like ridiculous overkill.
A: Yes, Ma’am, it is!
The T-Shirt Nuke can simultaneously distribute promotional t-shirts to every man, woman, and child in attendance at even the largest of venues.
It will end the event marketing arms race as we know it.

A: Imagine it: You’re at the Super Bowl. It’s halftime. The musical act has just finished their medley.
You notice the Goodyear Blimp directly overhead.
It drops a large metal sphere right on the 50-yard line.
E: And everyone DOESN’T flee in panic for fear of terrorism?
A: Right.

G: So, boom, your invention does its thing,
and suddenly everyone in the joint is holding a t-shirt?
A: As soon as they regain consciousness, they’ll find a t-shirt in their lap, yes.

Oct 20T-Shirt Gun

B: I think he’s going to tell us about our investment.
A: Indeed! Gather ’round, everyone. I’ve got something amazing to show you.
These design drawings represent the fruit of your collective investment: a new invention!
As you can see, it is a revolutionary improvement upon the common t-shirt gun.

C: T-shirt gun?
D: What’s that?
A: Oh. Um, a t-shirt gun simply shoots t-shirts.
E: It shoots… t-shirts.
A: Yes.
E: It ONLY shoots t-shirts?
A: Yes.

B: You mean that it is INTENDED for shooting t-shirts. But it can really shoot at ANYTHING, right?
A: Ah, I see the confusion. The t-shirt gun doesn’t shoot AT t-shirts. It shoots AT PEOPLE.
F: I get it!
A: Yes, Larry?
F: The t-shirt gun is MADE OUT OF T-SHIRTS!
A: No! That doesn’t make any sense!

F: How does THAT more sense than what I just said!?
E: He’s got a point.
A: Jeez, what was the last sporting event you people attended?

B: Croquet.
D: Horse racing.
E: Regatta.
A: You need to calm the hell down, Larry.

Oct 13Closet Monster Break Room

A: That’s when I realize: this kid’s not afraid of me at all anymore. But I can’t afford to lose another gig. I’m desperate.
So I whisper in his ear that if he doesn’t at least PRETEND to be afraid of me, I will EAT HIS PARENTS.
B: You did NOT.

A: I did! I told you, I was desperate! Now he just passes out as soon as he sees me.
B: That’s awesome.
Whenever a kid laughs at my hat, I just growl in his face until he pees himself.
A: Why DO you wear that hat? It doesn’t really seem scary.

B: I’ve found that it adds a surreal touch to the proceedings.
A BEAR in a fuzzy lime green pimp hat!?
Eventually, the hat becomes the focal point of their terror, haunting them in their waking hours.

B: Plus, it covers my bald spot.
That thing ain’t scary to nobody.
‘Cept me.

Oct 6Empty Nest Brownies

Transcript TODO

Sep 22The King’s Abuse

Transcript TODO

Sep 16Mallware

transcript TODO

Sep 8Stranded

Transcript TODO

Sep 1Fishing with Live Bait

Transcript TODO

Aug 25Unintentional Swing

I’m sorry, Stan. I assumed you knew what a Key Party was when you suggested we attend.

Aug 18Personal

Transcript TODO

Aug 11Plucked

transcript TODO

Aug 5(rejected comic ’09)

Eat STOOL, douchebag!!

Jul 28Lana Parish

B: Sue, I know you don’t like to talk about work at your parties, but…
A: Oh, it’s fine. We were bound to talk about Lana Parish and her baffling resignation.
I just hope she’ll stop being a daily topic of conversation at the office now that she’s quit the company.

B: Yeah. That’s not going to happen.
People are going to talk about her FOREVER. She’s part of the company’s mythology now.
Plus, she’ll probably show up to the shareholders’ meeting each year and say something insane.

A: Ugh.
C: But it’ll get better, I think.
Divisive hallway arguments will soon give way to the occasional embellished anecdote.
In a couple of days, no one will be complaining about Lana Parish at all!

A: So we really should take this opportunity to complain about her one more time.
B: Ooooh, let’s.
C: Hold on–I’ll get us more drinks before we start!

Jul 21Dirty Pool

A: It’s nice to get out of the house.
Smokin’. Drinkin’. Playing pool.
All the things I don’t get at home.
B: That’s ALL?

A: What do you mean?
B: Looks to me like there might be something else you’re not getting at home.

Jul 14Pre-Make

A: The balloon must be leaking or something. But we’re almost there.

B: You brought this upon us, Sam! This is YOUR fault.
A: I know, I KNOW.
B: If that madman lays a hand on our little girl, I’ll never forgive you.

A: Max Cady isn’t going to find us. We’ll all feel safer…

A: …once we make it to CAPE FEAR.

Jul 7Abusing Tom

F: Pretty good work, Tom. There are some solid ideas here.
Adams and I are going to punch this up a bit. Why don’t you go out and fetch us some coffee?
A: And pancakes.
F: Ooo, yum. And some pancakes, too, Tom.
And when you get back you can clean up that mess on the floor.

N: Franklin firmly believed in hazing as a character-building exercise. Adams just liked to watch Jefferson squirm.

Jun 30Epic Fail

That’s IT!  Say “epic fail” again.  Say it again.  I DARE you.

Jun 23Flash in the Plan

B: Alright, I got it!
A: sigh
B: I’ll say something like, “get a load of… THESE!”

B: Then BAM! I open the coat and he gets an eyeful of MARGE!
What do you think?

A: I take it that you plan to be naked under the coat when you do this?
B: ‘cept bikini bottoms.

A: Okay, first of all, I suggested a FLASHY outfit to get his attention.
I think you heard me wrong.
B: Nope! I upgraded your suggestion!

A: Secondly, I think you should work on your delivery.
It’s… unartful.

B: “I know what you might like… BOOBS!”
A: At HOME. You should work on your delivery AT HOME.

Jun 16Ununbium

A: Element 112 has been added to the periodic table!
B: That sounds… really boring.
A: No, No! It’s the heaviest element yet!

B: So what? Soon we’ll be buying super-dense doorstops made of this stuff?
A: Well, no. They can only make tiny amounts of it in the lab, and it only lasts for a fraction of a second before it breaks down.

B: Ha!
A: What?
B: My interest in this story has EXACTLY the same half-life as the element…
…what’s its name?
A: Ununbium.
B: Ununbium.

B: Wait. Isn’t that a double-negative? Shouldn’t it just be called “Bium”?
A: No, see, it’s Element 112, so they use the Latin for [...]
B: Yeah, yeah. I got it. 1-1-2. I’m just messin’ with you.

Jun 9Out the Window Flu

A: Don’t despair, Swine Flu. You’re still going to infect hundreds of millions of people. Billions, maybe.
B: I doubt it. This time next year there’ll be a vaccine for me. Then me disappointing reign will be over. At least YOU still have potential, A.

A: Potential? More like HYPE. It’s been 3 years since the airwaves were abuzz with Avian Flu stories.
I couldn’t mutate fast enough to live up to the media’s unrealistic expectations. Everyone rightly lost interest.
You’re the one with potential. You’re out there. You’re global. You’re a PANDEMIC. OWN it!
B: I guess you’re right.

A: And, look, a vaccine’s not going to stop you. You’re a snowball rolling down a mountain. By the time you get to the bottom, you’ll be knockin’ folks DOWN, SON!
B: Heh. Yeah.
Thanks, A. You’re a good friend.

C: HELLO!?! How’s about REGULAR FLU!
I kill a quarter of a million people EACH YEAR!
D: Yeah! Where’s OUR respect!?
C: Shut up, Cholera.

Jun 2Blue Virus

B: I just feel like I’ve missed my chance.
A: That’s not true.

B: I’m not particularly deadly.
People already wonder why they were ever worried about me.
I’m basically a joke at this point, A!

A: Don’t say that, Swine Flu!
B: That’s another thing!
They’ve got half the world calling me H1N1 now!
Only my MOM calls me H1N1.

May 26Telephony Quotes

A: Mr. Watson–come here–I want you.

A: Uh-oh.

B: SUCCESS! I heard you, Mr. Bell!
A: What did you hear me say?
B: I heard it distinctly!
You said, “Mr. Watson, come here, I want you.”

A: I didn’t mean anything by it.
B: I uh… wha?
A: We work long hours in close quarters. I don’t want any confusion.
When I said, “I want you,” I just meant that I wanted you to join me here. In this room.
B: Of course. That’s exactly what I thought you meant.

A: Great. I’m going to go ahead and write in my journal that I said, “Mr. Watson, come here, I want TO SEE you.”
I’d like it if you would capture it the same way.
Mr. Watson?

A: AHOY-HOY! Mr. Watson!
B: …hm?
A: Is that OKAY with you?
B: Oh, yeah, sure.
I’m just jazzed that the invention works. We can finally shave our rally beards!

May 19Wanda Two

B: Gerald! How’s your Aunt?
A: Not so great, M.B. But there have been some signs of improvement.
She still thinks she’s Matthew Wilder, though.

B: What does that mean? She “sorta” thinks she’s Matthew Wilder?
A: Well, for example, when we speak to her, she says…
“Ain’t nothin’ gonna breaka my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep”

B: That’s it? she just trails off like that?

A: Right. She stops at the 10% lyrical content threshold.
Her copyright doctor says that, subconsciously, she knows that it’s not her intellesctual property.
She’s terrified of being sued.

May 12Extrication

Ned didn’t know if stripping naked was essential to the success of his Somali Pirate Contingency Escape Plan, but he was loath to tinker with the formula.

May 5One-Hit Wanda

A: Hey, M.B. What brings you here?
B: Waiting for a limo. Paris Hilton’s dog’s funeral.
I’ve got a few minutes, though.
How’s your Aunt Wanda?

A: Still in the hospital. Lately she believes she’s Matthew Wilder.
B: The 80′s pop musician?
A: Yep, that’s the guy. She sings “Break My Stride” pretty much non-stop.
She’s surprisingly good.

A: What do the doctors say? Are they making any progress with her?
B: Not much. Actually, they tell us that it’s family and friends that are more likely to have a positive effect on her behavior.

B: So what are you doing?
A: I cheer for “Break My Stride” and boo her when she tries to sing anything else from his discography.

Apr 28Relief Mission

A: I want you to know that we stand with you during this crisis. Our organization will be contributing over 10 million dollars to your relief effort.
B: We appreciate your generosity. It will help our people survive and rebuild.

A: So… would you like to convert to Christianity?
B: No thanks.

Apr 21Consumption

A: Hey there, Steve.
B: My name’s Stan.

A: Whatever. I’m here for some more Drink Me to de-bigulate our Alice.
B: You’re here every Tuesday. Are you sure you’re not giving her too much?
A: Listen friend. Your job is to PRODUCE Drink Me, not to tell me how to use it.

B: Actually, since it’s my area of expertise, I’d think that you’d at least want to…
A: You thought wrong, pal. Just make with the shrink juice and I’ll be on my way.

A: Our Alice is way too small! We need to re-bigulate her!
B: Eat Me.

Apr 14Economy from Hell

… and then they’re packed into soul-backed securities. This is where it gets really crazy. No one knew whose souls were in these SBSs, so no one really understood how they should be valued. They were rated like they were full of George Clooneys, but they’d actually been packed with as many John Stamoses as they could get away with! Once it started going bad, it was too late. Practically overnight, the whole system went to hell, so to speak. You got demons holding derivatives worth half of what they were yesterday–and falling–but they can’t get rid of them. Everybody’s spooked! So take no offense, my friend. There’s just no demand for souls on my end right now. But we’re making headway on a bailout from the big G. If that works out–fingers crossed–perhaps I’ll be swinging by here in about six months.

Apr 7American Loyalist

Are you enjoying this picture of George Washington?


It’s actually Benedict Arnold

you un-American bastard

Mar 31Four One


A: I may have outgrown April Fools’ Day on the web.

A: If I’m duped by a fake story, I feel like a chode.
But now, I usually see it coming.
So it just seems lame.

B: Our son has apparently decided he’s ALL GROWED UP now and too MATURE for April Fools’ hoaxes.
C: Splendid. I’m right there with him.
Can I stop translating our blog into Klingon?
B: NO.

Mar 24Conflicted

A: Come ON. She’s evil, and her giant oaf of a boyfriend is going to show up any minute now.
B: ((sigh))
You’re right.
A: So why are you still sitting there? LET’S GO.

B: But she smells so NICE.
A: Mm-hm. Listen, I’m going to get something heavy to conk you over the head with, okay?
C’: and he smells like feet.
! i think i hear todd’s truck out front !

Mar 17Old Meme

May 13, 1864

Gen. Robert E Lee
C.S. Armies


im in ur statez

killing ur d00dz

U.S. Grant
Lt. Gen.

Mar 10Bearable Market

A: Will things EVER get better, Barry?
B: Of COURSE they will, love! Just not for awhile.
A: So should I sell all my stocks?
B: Probably not.

B: If a company looks like it’s about to go bankrupt, you shouldn’t ride it out.
In that case recover some money while you can.
Otherwise, unless you’re really desperate for cash, you should leave your stocks alone.

B: These are your LONG-TERM investments, and the market WILL go back up eventually. In the meantime, your 401(k) contributions are buying low.
Which is good.

A: But what about your friend? His advice seems so much simpler.
B: He’s a moron. Just ignore him.
C: buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy GM! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy Citigroup buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! …and deregulate!

Mar 3Mismatch

A: So let’s go right?
B: Wait. I have an idea.
A: I’m sure it’s terrible.

B: Look: I get it. Tracy sat next to me to make Todd jealous and has been texting insults about me the whole time.
But maybe she picked me for a reason. Maybe, subconsciously, she LIKES me. This could be my big chance to impress her.

A: By not putting up with her bullshit and leaving the party with your friend?
B: No, by standing up to Todd. How do you think I’d fare if it came to blows?

A: YOU in a fight with Todd, the roid rage linebacker?
Let’s see…
Todd, with fists the size of canned hams, versus Charlie and his intermittent asthma.
I dunno. That’s a tough call.

Feb 24Sean Delonas Times Ten

They’ll have to find someone else to write the next Emancipation Proclamation

Feb 17Lincoln’s Scrapbook

Abe: This was when I separated West Virginia from Virginia. Here, I shut down a bunch of opposition newspapers and had their owners and editors arrested. Then I set up military tribunals to prosecute civilians I deemed disloyal. Oh, and here’s where I suspended habeas corpus again, this time throughout the entire nation.

Tad: Jeez, Dad. Did you do anything that WAS constitutional?

Feb 10Corroboration

A: (…This one? No, that’s not it…)
B: Ahem.
It’s been 20 minutes!
You still haven’t answered my question.

A: Research takes time, my dear.
B: Yes.
But I must say, I rather expected that you would just… KNOW.
Off the top of your head.

A: I wouldn’t dream of providing you UNCONFIRMED information!
What if it turned out to be inaccurate? You would carry it out into the world, misinforming the populace, and I would be responsible.
I couldn’t bear it.

A: (…I’m SURE I put it up here…)
B: I asked if you love me.
A: Ah! My diary. Here it is.

Feb 3Reputation

That guy’s a douchebag.

Jan 27Dupe

A: Dude. She’s just USING YOU to make her big oaf of a boyfriend jealous.
Now let’s get out of here before Todd shows up and punches you in the neck.

B: Well…
A: Well what?
B: Maybe she wants to make Todd jealous because she doesn’t like him anymore.
Maybe she likes ME.

A: No. She’s been dissing you electronically for fifteen minutes.
B: Oh.
Well that sucks.
C’: [...] to his friend.
at least the little freak isn’t staring at my hair anymore.

Jan 20Big Bustle

A: Fashion preview, ladies.  This spring’s dresses will be 10 percent LARGER.
B: Oh, kill me now.
C: Fuck it! I’m moving to Canada!
D: I’ve got a papasan chair under this thing already! What is WITH this simulated-ginormous-ass fetish, anyway?

Jan 13Crisis Mode

A: I know that these are the WORST of circumstances.
Things appear to be at their bleakest.
But did you know? The Chinese word for crisis, wei-ji, means danger, but also OPPORTUNITY.

A: So let’s try to look at this as an opportunity, okay?
B: My entire village was sucked into the ocean.

Jan 6Temperment

A: I’m still hung up on losing the election, Pete.
B: STILL? You’ve had a great career, Bob. Don’t focus on your ONE loss.
ENJOY this reprieve from public service. Look at it as a chance to play more golf.

A: The media were OBSESSED with my foibles!
B: Let’s not start that again.
A: Point is, we needed to catapult the propaganda and speak directly to the people!
Why did you cancel all those town hall meetings?
B: *sigh*

B: YOU TURNED VOTERS OFF, Bob. The more you spoke to them, the less they liked you.
A: Nonsense! I was the most popular politician in the state!
B: That was over 20 years ago. Now you’re old and cranky.
With a nasty temper.

A: What!? When have I EVER lost my temper in public?
B: May I introduce you to the ball you ripped open with your teeth on the 5th green?
A: Oh, THAT again? You’re OBSESSED with that ball.

Hide Transcripts


Dec 23Pre-Party

A: Tommy, are you alright? C’mon, wake up, man.
B: I can hear him breathing, at least.
C: He’s probably just faking!
B: He’s not FAKING, Alice.

A: Don’t cry, Carol. He’ll be alright.
D: I’m not crying, I’m BLEEDING. Asshole threw a shot glass at my eye.
E: nnn-maa
B: Let’s move him over to that couch.

C: Oh, look at me! I’m Tommy! I come to my sister’s Christmas party coked up and drunk ‘cuz I’m a SELFISH PRICK! Then I strip naked and pass out because I need attention ALL THE TIME!
B: You’re not being helpful right now, Alice!

Dec 16Valkyrie Accentuated

A: Don’t you think that authentic German accents would have helped immerse viewers in the time and place of the story?
B: We decided to go another way.
Instead of 12 actors affecting 12 different German accents, we decided to remove that barrier between the actors and the audience.

A: But it’s not uniform. The Valkyrie cast is a mix of Americans and Brits, each with his own native accent. That seems more distracting.
B: You get used to it quickly.
Besides, wrapping English in a foreign accent is a trite, disingenuous movie convention.
These historical figures spoke their native language. The actors playing them should do the same. We believe that’s more authentic.

A: Tom Cruise’s German accent was THAT bad?
B: Really, REALLY horrible.
So horrible.

Dec 9Crushing

A: So… um… this is a great party.

A: I mean, you know, it’s a pretty cool party so far, huh?

B: Mm-hm
A: Maybe there’ll be dancing later.

A: So, you got an iPhone, huh?

A: I’d like an iPhone, but my Mom…
C: Psst.
A: I mean, when I get an iPhone, maybe we could…
C: Pssst!

C: Dude, ABORT.
Tracy’s been texting her friends in the other room.
She’s sitting next to you to make her boyfriend jealous.

B’: now he’s talking to his idiot friend.
is todd here yet?

Dec 2Girls’ Night Out

A: What do you think? Too much cleavage? I want some attention tonight, but I don’t want to go overboard.
C: In that case, yeah, you should cover up. Maybe you’ll attract a better class of men if you lead with your personality instead of your chest.

A: Uh… well… What do YOU think, Marie? Too much cleavage?
B: I don’t know. I can’t see a fucking thing. This bonnet is bullshit.
C: Sigh. Your boobs look fine. Can we go already?

Nov 25Jamboree Trip

Hold your shit, Tommy. He doesn’t know you’re high. Just keep it together.

Nov 18Not Digging You

Could you please stop moving the chart? I’m trying to practice. Look, Betty, you’re a nice girl and all, but… See? I even wore my pink suit. That was supposed to be a hint. I’m not interested.

Nov 11Biased Media

A: I lost the election because the media are biased against me!
B: No, they’re not.
A: There’s a study that proves it.

A: In the last 3 months of coverage, 75% of the stories about me were negative in tone, compared to 40% for my opponent.
B: Bob, you got negative stories because the media covered the campaign.

B: Economists agreed that your tax proposals made no sense whatsoever.
A: Not all of them.
B: Then you called that staffer a “shithead” on national TV.
A: One verbal slip in 14 months of campaigning.
No substance there.

B: Then, last month, you were indicted for murder.
A: Attempted murder. That dude’s still alive.

Nov 4Nineteenth

A: Hmm.
B: Did you hear? It’s been ratified.

A: Oh, hey, Bob. Yeah, I was just reading about it: “19th Amendment is Law of the Land”
B: Yesterday, women couldn’t vote. Today, they can.
A right granted them by legislatures of men.

A: Yep.
B: Yep.

A: How did we loseWeight Exercise this one?
B: It doesn’t make sense!

Oct 14Culture Clash

A: Let’s get back to the subject of Iraq and the Middle East.
B: Alright.
A: Could you describe the difference between Sunni and Shia?
B: Certainly.

B: Of course, I’m no theologian, so I don’t claim to understand the specific tenets of faith that separate them.
But I can tell you that they are different sects of Islam, and two groups that don’t always see eye to eye.

B: Iraq and Iran are majority Shiite, but for the most part, the Shia are the minority sect in the Middle East.
Sunni, for his part, was mayor of Palm Springs and later served in the U.S. house of representatives, until his timely death in 1998.

A: Did… did you just confuse “Sunni and Shia” with “Sonny and Cher” again?
B: No. Yes.
Let me ask Jim Lieberman.
A: You mean JOE Lieberman.
B: Of course.

Sep 30Gaffeinated

A: I’d like to ask you about some troubling statements you made a few months ago.
B: Okay. Shoot.

A: Until you were corrected by Joe Lieberman, you made statements that seemed to show that you did not understand the difference between Sunni and Shia.
B: That’s absurd.

B: I have never confused the two.  I don’t see how you could.
They entertained America as a couple.  After their very public divorce, they…
A: Senator–I’m sorry to interrupt.

A: You’re saying that the Sunni and Shia… got divorced.
B: Yes–What?
Oh. Oh!
I thought you said “Sonny and Cher”.

Sep 23Dispensing with the Bull

Ooo! What a jaunty hat!

Sep 16Stealing Electricity

Hank had been losing 2 or 3 Leyden jars a month before he started chaining them to the table.

Sep 9Cold Feet

A: I’m having second thoughts, Mother.

A: I entered into this commitment too hastily.
I can’t… I’m just not ready.
I have to call it off.

B: I’m sorry, Mr. Henry. My son says he doesn’t want you to clip his balls after all!
C: Pish posh. They all say that.
He’ll feel better after they’re gone.

Sep 2BFF

Washington and Lincoln

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