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A: See, Honey, REGULAR phones have two parts: the BASE that rings when you get a call, and the HANDSET you pick up to answer it.
B: I don’t get it.
C: What’s this about?
A: It seems Tracy doesn’t know anything about landline phones, so I’m informing her.

C: Oh, leave her alone, Paul. She understands cell phones. Maybe she won’t even NEED to know–
A: Ann, this is knowledge that our parents and grandparents had! Are you suggesting that somehow–in the miniscule span of time between diapers and training bras–this knowledge became COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT?
Moreover, that ANY and maybe ALL of our accumulated life knowledge might be TOTALLY USELESS to our daughter before we even have a chance to impart it?
That would be TERRIFYING if it were true, wouldn’t it, Ann?

C: Tracy, the “handset” is the part you hold up to your ear. To make a call, you lift the handset off of the base, check for a dial tone, then–
B: What’s a dial tone?
C: GO TO YOUR ROOM.
A: I need a drink.

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A: I feel so VULNERABLE all alone in this big house at night.

…

B: Hold it right there, pretty lady! I’m Carl, an escaped convict with nothing to lose!
I’m going to shoot you dead unless you take off that dress and dance for me!

A: Nah, no. I’m just not feeling it.
B: …But… the gun… and the boobie dance…

B: It’s TUESDAY!
A: I’m sorry, Bill. I’m too exhausted for Role-Playing Night tonight.
But maybe Carl the Escaped Convict would like to watch me get ready for a bath?

B: Carl WOULD like that.
Carl hasn’t seen a real live woman in eight years, let alone one as pretty as–
A: Can Carl please PEEP SILENTLY?
B: …Okay.

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A: Let’s say someone wants to find a chicken recipe that doesn’t use any quarter-cup amounts of anything.
Could Google Recipe Search help someone do that?
B: Why would someone WANT to do that?

A: Maybe someone just wants to prepare a delicious meal without having to deal with 25 percents of things!
B: You lost one of your measuring cups.
A: Andrea took it with her. But I don’t need HER, and I don’t need quarter cups. I live in a quarter-cup-free lifestyle now.

B: Come on, man. It’s been 6 months since she left.
Half-fill your half cup. Or use 4 tablespoons. Or just buy a new quarter cup. Or borrow mine.
These are all things a sane person would consider doing.
A: NO! No quarter cups! It’s the DEVIL’S MEASUREMENT!

A: That’s way too salty for me.

Sign: Best Motherfucking Caviar in Town! $90.00 / oz

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A: Writing is FUN, Grandpa! I’m making a screenplay!
B: That’s great. Mellie! What’s it about?
Police are hunting a serial killer known as the “Daylight Savings Killer”.

B: Thats… not as adorable as I imagined.
A: I’m not sure if it’s going to be a crime thriller or a slasher film.
B: Uh-oh. I was the one that encouraged you to write a story, wasn’t I?

A: I’m calling it Fall Back and Die.
B: Oh, God.
A: What? Too cheesy? I’m not married to the title.

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A: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three in the evening?
B: Man.
A: You mean, like, “MAN is this ever a difficult riddle,” or…?

B: No. I mean the answer is “man.”
A: What? Shut up. Explain why that’s the answer!
C: That’s the answer?!

B: As a baby, we crawl on all fours, after that we walk on two legs.
When we’re elderly we often use a cane: three legs, as it were. The day is a metaphor for a normal lifespan. Did I miss anything?
A: Well… I… Uh…

A: Uhhh… CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve solved the practice riddle. Now you’re ready for the REAL riddle.
B: Oh come ON
C: I call bullshit!
Shenanigans!
Shenanigans!

A: The worst part about my leaving is the REGRET I feel. Regret that our relationship–
B: Hold on.
I’m sure that by some definition, the word “relationship” is applicable.
But in practice it implies something very different than what we had.
We’re not even FRIENDS. We’re acquaintances at best.

A: And that’s my point! It weighs on my soul that our relationship–
B: Acquaintanceship.
A: –our acquaintanceship will end before it had a chance to blossom into something greater.
In fact, now that I find myself once again in your intoxicating presence, I can hardly recall or fathom what tremendous force could be taking me away from here!

B: It was the tremendous amount of PORN that I.T. found on your laptop hard drive. You really don’t remember? This was just last week!
GIGS AND GIGS OF PORN they say!
A: Okay, OKAY!
YES. It’s all coming back to me now.

A: It’s my last day today, Marla.
B: I know. I circled it on my calendar.

A: I’ve always sensed an underlying attraction between us, Marla. And I’ve admired your ability to keep or relationship expressly professional.
B: I see. It certainly has been a struggle.

A: I’m kind of embarrassed to tell you this, but my pet name for you is “Speedbump,” because whenever I see you I have to slow down to take a better look.
B: Well you’ve CHARMED me into admitting it…
…My nickname for YOU is “auger” because you’re a boring TOOL.

B: I have some pseudo-political topic I’d like to discuss!
A: Alright. Shoot.
C: AHEM

C (thinking): Oh, Jesus. These same art assets again.
A: What’s up, mac? We’re talking here.
C: I know. That’s the problem.

C: This webcomic is web traffic poison! Artwork pulled from the dustbin and sloppily arranged for WHAT? A talking hat? “T-shirt nukes”? Eleven comics about Oedipus and the Sphinx and she hasn’t eve said the damn riddle yet?
No, no, no. we must reclaim this space while we still can.
SHUT IT DOWN, FELLAS! CODE K-T!

B: Now look here, sir! You at least have to let us finish this strip!
[Kittens! Kittens! Kittens!]

A: All’s I’m saying is last year we all agreed it was “Two Thousand Nine.” We didn’t say “Twenty-Oh-Nine.”
So why am I supposed to call this year “Twenty Ten”?
B: Because that’s the superior way to refer to almost all years. The last decade was an awkward exception.
A: Well I’m not changing back.

B: Really. So you’re going to stubbornly fight popular convention for another 89 years?
A: Yup. I’ll be the old broad calling it “Two Thousand Ninety-Nine.”
B: Wanna bet?

[Narrator]: MUCH LATER…
B: Well, Diane. What year is it?
Dammit, Bill, you didn’t have to wait 89 years to check up on me!
I gave up on that, like, SIX MONTHS after we talked.

A: Deep Impact
B: Something Wicked This Way Comes
C: Scent of a Woman

[All]: Any Which Way But Loose
C.H.U.D.
A River Runs Through It
The Longest Yard
Some Like It Hot
Rear Window

D: Excuse me. Are you naming Oscar Nominees, or Kevin Bacon movies or something?
C: No, it’s sort of a game…
…in which you name real movie titles that are funny if you imagine that the movie is about pooping.

A: So here’s the deal, Ed. I tell you the riddle. If you solve it, I let you into the city. If you don’t, I kill you and eat you.
No one’s solved it yet.
C: It’s a toughie!
A: Thank you, Leon.

A: So are you SURE you want to go to Thebes? The city has seen better days.
Their king is missing and presumed dead. And since I got this gig, They’ve been totally cut off from the outside world.

A: HEY, LEON. How’s Thebes holding up?
C: It sucks pretty hard in there!

A: See?
BUT… on the other hand, I bet you’d get quite the hero’s welcome.

A: And I hear that the Thebans are offering sex with their widowed queen as a reward to anyone who bests me.
So that might be a nice treat for you, yeah?
B: Perhaps. Is she hot?

A: Here we go.
Ahem.

A: I AM THE SPHINX, SENT BY HERA HERSELF TO BESIEGE THE CITY OF THEBES.
ANY MAN WHO WISHES TO ENTER OR LEAVE THIS CITY MUST POSSESS THE MOST CUNNING MIND…
…OR ELSE FALL PREY TO MY FEROCIOUS HUNGER!

B: Gods DAMN that was loud.
A: I know, right? It’s no treat for me, either. Doing the booming voice is EXHAUSTING.
The Sphinx Handbook says I gotta do it, though.

A: I just signed a deal to make my life story into a feature film!
B: Whoa. Wow. Congratulations, man. That’s… surprising.
No offense, but would I WANT to see a movie about your life?
A: Oh, right. I forget that you didn’t meet me until after I settled down with Darlene.
But yeah. I was involved in a whole bunch of crazy stuff in my youth.
Like this one time, in Mexico.

A: We just wrapped up filming a documentary on human smuggling. I’m waiting for my ride to the airport when this guy pops out and mugs me! He knocks me out cold and steals everything I–
B: WHOA, WHOA! HEY! SPOILERS, MAN! JEEZ!

A: Very well, Ed. But in order to continue–
C: Turn back, traveler! Turn back while you still can!
A: Stifle it, Leon. I’m working here.

B: So what’s the deal with Leon?
A: I caught the bugger trying to escape the city this morning.
But he amused me, so I decided to keep him around for a few more hours.

A: Heh-heh. You know what his response to the riddle was?
“An Ikea table that breaks and then is poorly repaired.”
HA! That STILL cracks me up.

B: I don’t get it.
Hey, did you say something about a riddle?
A: Yeah, yeah. I was getting to that.

A: I just can’t understand why people get so damned excited at the thought of a zero in the ones place.
If we all had 6 fingers on each hand, people’d be going nuts over every 12th thing.

A: But we happen to have 5 per hand, so we’re supposed to celebrate every time we encounter a multiple of ten.

A: And if it’s a multiple of ten where you need to add another digit? FORGET IT.
People go APESHIT.
Just ’cause the number got WIDER.

B: Fine, Grandma. FINE.
It’s NOT a big deal that it’s your 100th birthday.
Let’s just go have a nice brunch because I’m here and we’re both hungry.

A: So what’s your business in Thebes, Ed?
B: Oh, you know. Clothes shopping. Some geocaching. Maybe catch lunch.
Does it make a difference, beast?

A: Oooo! You’ve got spunk! I like that.
And so calm! It was like you weren’t even surprised to see a monster jump out at you.
B: Well, as I approached I really couldn’t help but notice the skulls, blood trails, and disorganized piles
of half-eaten dead guys.

A: Very perceptive, Ed!
B: Yeah. I’m observant like that.
I also noticed the one-legged man sitting near that pile of feet.

B: He’s staring at us right now.
C: Hello.
A: That’s just Leon. I’m saving him as a snack for later.

A: Well HEL-LO, half-naked traveler!
B: Hi. I’m Ed.

A: And where are you headed, big boy?
B: Thebes.
You know. That big city right behind you.

A: Ooh, I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Ed!
I hear there’s a monster lurking about who destroys and consumes men who try to enter Thebes.

A: I AM that monster, Ed.
B: Yeah.
I kinda figured that out.

A: You’re an ass-hat, Pat, you know that?
We were just about to leave the party when you screwed everything up by opening your big…

A: WHAT is it that you use to talk?
B: Prosopopeia waves.
A: WHATEVER. Now I gotta go back in there and smooth things over with my boss.
That’s gonna make us late for Jimmy’s poker night,a nd I might not get a seat at the table.

B: Maybe I can help.
We could split up.

B: You stay here, and I’ll go on a head!
A: Don’t try to make me laugh, Pat. I’m still pissed at you.

B: I’m sorry, but it was clearly a joke. Doesn’t your boss’ wife have a sense of humor?
A: That’s not the POINT, Pat!

A: You embarrassed her in front of her guests! And her kids, too!
B: I didn’t know her kids were at the party, I swear.
A: Again, not the point.

A: Why did you say ANYTHING AT ALL?!
B: There was a busty lady standing next to an ornate mahogany hat rack.

B: The double entendre was too juiy to resist!

G: GASP!
H: How DARE YOU!
A: Oh my god, I am so SO sorry.
Pardon us for a moment.

A: What are you DOING to me, Pat!?
That was my Boss’ WIFE.

A: I brought you here to make me look good.
Dapper, even.
NOT to be inappropriate and get me kicked out of the party or FIRED.

A: Well? Do you have anything to say for yourself?
B: Uh… I’m thinking…

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It still doesn’t
make much SENSE
[Logo for DHARMA's What-the-Fuck? Station]
but WHATEVER

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B: So you really don’t want me to do your survey? Seriously?
A: Yeah, no. No thanks.
B: But you said that I look like a guy who knows what’s what!

A: That was before I knew you were 35.
Just take some solace in the fact that you still LOOK like someone whose tastes are catered to.
You certainly look a lot younger than I did when I first turned old.

B: That’s enough. I want to talk to your supervisor!
A: Yeah, THAT makes you sound young.
Look, it was my supervisor who told me not to bother surveying middle-aged people. There’s not even a checkbox here for you.

A: Besides, shouldn’t you be listening to Coldplay and training for your first half-marathon about now?
B: It’s next month! I hope I’ll be ready. I’m really proud of my progress–
HEY

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Franklin: Gentlemen, we should all come together, or assuredly we shall all come separately.

Caption: Franklin beseeches fellow delegates to attend his circle jerk.

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A: I’ve got “Karma Chameleon” stuck in my head!
B: That sounds fun.

A: It WAS. But it’s been THREE DAYS now!
It’s driving me CRAZY!
It swirls around and around! I’m whistling it at work without realizing! It won’t let go of my brain!

B: I haven’t heard you whistling.
A: It’s not all the time. It comes and goes.

A: It comes and go-o-o-oes…
OH GOD

A: I’M HOME– Whoa. What’s all this?
B: Oh, hey, Mary. We were just hangin’ out. Talking about how our New Year’s resolutions have been going.

A: …okay…
B: What about you? Anything you’re going to improve about yourself in 2010?

[...]

A: No.
B: WRONG. You’re going to quit drinking. This is an intervention.
A: GOD DAMMIT.

A: I know that those gentlemen SOUNDED very sincere, but I can assure you: Broadway is NOT overrun by a glut of superhero musicals.
B: So Riddler on the Roof isn’t a real Broadway show either?

A: Alas, no. They were just spoofing a real musical. But don’t feel bad! It was quite the elaborate hoax.
B: I’ll say! They even sang a song from it!

B: If I were the Bat-Man / Ya ha deedle deedle bubba bubba deedle deedle dum

B: Jeez. In hindsight, it’s pretty obvious that “ya ha deedle deedle” isn’t part of a real lyric.
A: Well, actually…

A: I’m sorry to intrude, sir, but I’m afraid those gentlemen were lying to you.
B: Those guys were so friendly! They wouldn’t–

A: They know that you’re from out of town. They were messing with you for their own amusement.
Like when they told you that most new Broadway shows are about comic book superheroes.

B: So it’s just SOME shows, not most?
A: No. None.
B: What about Kent, the musical about Superman’s parents?
A: They made that up.

B: Vulture and the Amazing Spectacular Spider-Man?
A: Nope.
B: Darkseid Story?
A: NO

A: Their family name is Christmas, and she was born on December 25th, so they named her MARY CHRISTMAS.
B: HA!
C: That’s cute!

C: Little Murray Card across the street is only one year old.
Perhaps on day Murray will marry Mary Christmas!

A: I’m sure he’d make her very happy.
She’d be a very merry Mary Christmas-Card!

C: If the wedding were on her birthday, they could send out Christmas card Christmas-Card wedding announcements!

[...]

A: I’ve got nothin’.
B: Well that was fun!
C: We oughta get going.
D: Seriously? THAT’S our last conversation of 2009?

A: Pssst!

B: Yes, Love?
A: This party’s lame let’s slip out after White Elephant.
How about I take you home, slip into something comfortable…

B: Yeah?
A: …and read upstairs so you can watch football on the big TV.
B: Oh, MAMA!

B: Alright, so I included some epithets that weren’t said back then. Is that all?
A: No, sir. Nearly all of your pronouns are from the wrong century.
B: I takes places in the 1880′s, you know.

A: Exactly. But you’ve got everyone spouting “thee” and “thou” and such.
And it looks like you just picked random words and appended “-est” to them.
Drop all of that.

B: But that would strip my favorite line of all its power!
Where my hero falls to his knees and belows,
“Thine douchebaggery hathest wrought oodles of crap upon these lands!”

A: I know, sir. That was my favorite line, too.
For different reasons, I suspect.

A: I’m done proofreading your webcomic, sir.
I appreciate that you’re trying to write authentic dialogue.
But I’m afraid you have neither the English language skills nor the knowledge of history needed to do a proper job.
B: Ouch. What am I getting wrong?

A: One example: your Victorian-era Londoners run around calling each other “Douchebag.”
B: Well, wouldn’t they?
If there was, you know… douchebaggery afoot?

A: Legal just cleared the name for our product’s flavor delivery system: “Flava Krystals.”
I suggest that we secure FLAVOR FLAV to be the face of our product, ASAP.
(B: Ooooh! I hope he’s available.)
C: Perfect! That NAILS the retro-kitsch / WTF vibe that our target demo craves!

D: But his name is FLAVOR Flav. Why don’t we call our thing “FLAVOR Crystals”?
A: Our competitor’s product has “Flavor Crystals.” That leaves US with “Flava Krystals.”
D: I don’t know, the whole thing just seems… silly.

A: There’s nothing “silly” about a $200 million marketing campaign.
Now look, I’ve got 100 crates full of plastic viking helmets in our warehouse, ready to go.
Are you gonna get on board the “Flava Krystals” train or not?
D: It’s just that I…
A: CHOO-CHOO!!

B: So did you hear that I’m in pre-production on Transformers 3?
A: Yeah! I won’t be seeing it.
B: What-WHAT? It’s going to be awesome!

A: I’ve seen your “awesome.” I’ll pass. I didn’t even see Transformers 2.
B: Why now!?

A: Because of Transformers 1. Look, I just think that you took something I liked as a kid, which is probably dumb to begin with, and made it bigger and dumber.

B: You just don’t like good movies.
A: I was just about to say the same thing to you.

Mother, why did Father’s friends snicker when I said that I love to stick my hands in my muff?

A: When I was a kid, Jazz was one of my favorite Transformers.
Looking back though, I realize that he was a collection of black stereotypes.
But it was the 80′s, and he was a positive and respected character, so I don’t know how bad it is, if at all.
Then a live-action movie comes along 20 years later that plays to all the same stereotypes.
I still don’t know what to take away from it.

B: You just don’t understand the character of Jazz.
It’s not the stereotypes they play to, it’s the stereotypes they DON’T play to.

GW: Let me have a look.
A: I’d prefer it if you’d sit still, Mr. President.
GW: I’ve been sitting still for hours, Gil. I’m ready to see your progress.
A: Alright, let’s take a break.

GW: What’s this!? You made me look like a mushroom.
A: That’s how you look.
GW: Oh I do NOT.
and why do I have such rosy cheeks?

A: I don’t know. Why DO you have such rosy cheeks?
GW: Martha!
Take a look at this.
M: Oh! That’s not a very good likeness at ALL!
A: What!?

M: You made hiim look like a mushroom.
A: You two are loopy on laudanum or something!
I’m telling you, this likeness is right on the money.

B: So what is your invention, then?
A: Like I was saying, it’s a revolutionary step forward from the t-shirt gun.
Ladies and gentlemen, the T-SHIRT NUKE!
F: oooOOOooo!

D: Okay, Larry’s impressed. But might you explain it to the rest of us?
E: It sounds like ridiculous overkill.
A: Yes, Ma’am, it is!
The T-Shirt Nuke can simultaneously distribute promotional t-shirts to every man, woman, and child in attendance at even the largest of venues.
It will end the event marketing arms race as we know it.

A: Imagine it: You’re at the Super Bowl. It’s halftime. The musical act has just finished their medley.
You notice the Goodyear Blimp directly overhead.
It drops a large metal sphere right on the 50-yard line.
E: And everyone DOESN’T flee in panic for fear of terrorism?
A: Right.

G: So, boom, your invention does its thing,
and suddenly everyone in the joint is holding a t-shirt?
A: As soon as they regain consciousness, they’ll find a t-shirt in their lap, yes.

B: I think he’s going to tell us about our investment.
A: Indeed! Gather ’round, everyone. I’ve got something amazing to show you.
These design drawings represent the fruit of your collective investment: a new invention!
As you can see, it is a revolutionary improvement upon the common t-shirt gun.

C: T-shirt gun?
D: What’s that?
A: Oh. Um, a t-shirt gun simply shoots t-shirts.
E: It shoots… t-shirts.
A: Yes.
E: It ONLY shoots t-shirts?
A: Yes.

B: You mean that it is INTENDED for shooting t-shirts. But it can really shoot at ANYTHING, right?
A: Ah, I see the confusion. The t-shirt gun doesn’t shoot AT t-shirts. It shoots AT PEOPLE.
F: I get it!
A: Yes, Larry?
F: The t-shirt gun is MADE OUT OF T-SHIRTS!
A: No! That doesn’t make any sense!
A t-shirt gun FIRES T-SHIRTS AT PEOPLE.

F: How does THAT more sense than what I just said!?
E: He’s got a point.
A: Jeez, what was the last sporting event you people attended?

B: Croquet.
D: Horse racing.
E: Regatta.
F: POLO! POLO! POLO!
A: You need to calm the hell down, Larry.

A: That’s when I realize: this kid’s not afraid of me at all anymore. But I can’t afford to lose another gig. I’m desperate.
So I whisper in his ear that if he doesn’t at least PRETEND to be afraid of me, I will EAT HIS PARENTS.
B: You did NOT.

A: I did! I told you, I was desperate! Now he just passes out as soon as he sees me.
B: That’s awesome.
Whenever a kid laughs at my hat, I just growl in his face until he pees himself.
A: Why DO you wear that hat? It doesn’t really seem scary.

B: I’ve found that it adds a surreal touch to the proceedings.
A BEAR in a fuzzy lime green pimp hat!?
Eventually, the hat becomes the focal point of their terror, haunting them in their waking hours.

B: Plus, it covers my bald spot.
That thing ain’t scary to nobody.
‘Cept me.

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I’m sorry, Stan. I assumed you knew what a Key Party was when you suggested we attend.

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Eat STOOL, douchebag!!

B: Sue, I know you don’t like to talk about work at your parties, but…
A: Oh, it’s fine. We were bound to talk about Lana Parish and her baffling resignation.
I just hope she’ll stop being a daily topic of conversation at the office now that she’s quit the company.

B: Yeah. That’s not going to happen.
People are going to talk about her FOREVER. She’s part of the company’s mythology now.
Plus, she’ll probably show up to the shareholders’ meeting each year and say something insane.

A: Ugh.
C: But it’ll get better, I think.
Divisive hallway arguments will soon give way to the occasional embellished anecdote.
In a couple of days, no one will be complaining about Lana Parish at all!

A: So we really should take this opportunity to complain about her one more time.
B: Ooooh, let’s.
C: Hold on–I’ll get us more drinks before we start!

A: It’s nice to get out of the house.
Smokin’. Drinkin’. Playing pool.
All the things I don’t get at home.
B: That’s ALL?

A: What do you mean?
B: Looks to me like there might be something else you’re not getting at home.

A: The balloon must be leaking or something. But we’re almost there.

B: You brought this upon us, Sam! This is YOUR fault.
A: I know, I KNOW.
B: If that madman lays a hand on our little girl, I’ll never forgive you.

A: Max Cady isn’t going to find us. We’ll all feel safer…

A: …once we make it to CAPE FEAR.

F: Pretty good work, Tom. There are some solid ideas here.
Adams and I are going to punch this up a bit. Why don’t you go out and fetch us some coffee?
A: And pancakes.
F: Ooo, yum. And some pancakes, too, Tom.
And when you get back you can clean up that mess on the floor.

N: Franklin firmly believed in hazing as a character-building exercise. Adams just liked to watch Jefferson squirm.

That’s IT!  Say “epic fail” again.  Say it again.  I DARE you.

B: Alright, I got it!
A: sigh
B: I’ll say something like, “get a load of… THESE!”

B: Then BAM! I open the coat and he gets an eyeful of MARGE!
What do you think?

A: I take it that you plan to be naked under the coat when you do this?
B: ‘cept bikini bottoms.

A: Okay, first of all, I suggested a FLASHY outfit to get his attention.
I think you heard me wrong.
B: Nope! I upgraded your suggestion!

A: Secondly, I think you should work on your delivery.
It’s… unartful.

B: “I know what you might like… BOOBS!”
BAM!
A: At HOME. You should work on your delivery AT HOME.

A: Element 112 has been added to the periodic table!
B: That sounds… really boring.
A: No, No! It’s the heaviest element yet!

B: So what? Soon we’ll be buying super-dense doorstops made of this stuff?
A: Well, no. They can only make tiny amounts of it in the lab, and it only lasts for a fraction of a second before it breaks down.

B: Ha!
A: What?
B: My interest in this story has EXACTLY the same half-life as the element…
…what’s its name?
A: Ununbium.
B: Ununbium.

B: Wait. Isn’t that a double-negative? Shouldn’t it just be called “Bium”?
A: No, see, it’s Element 112, so they use the Latin for [...]
B: Yeah, yeah. I got it. 1-1-2. I’m just messin’ with you.

A: Don’t despair, Swine Flu. You’re still going to infect hundreds of millions of people. Billions, maybe.
B: I doubt it. This time next year there’ll be a vaccine for me. Then me disappointing reign will be over. At least YOU still have potential, A.

A: Potential? More like HYPE. It’s been 3 years since the airwaves were abuzz with Avian Flu stories.
I couldn’t mutate fast enough to live up to the media’s unrealistic expectations. Everyone rightly lost interest.
You’re the one with potential. You’re out there. You’re global. You’re a PANDEMIC. OWN it!
B: I guess you’re right.

A: And, look, a vaccine’s not going to stop you. You’re a snowball rolling down a mountain. By the time you get to the bottom, you’ll be knockin’ folks DOWN, SON!
B: Heh. Yeah.
Thanks, A. You’re a good friend.

N: MEANWHILE…
C: HELLO!?! How’s about REGULAR FLU!
I kill a quarter of a million people EACH YEAR!
D: Yeah! Where’s OUR respect!?
C: Shut up, Cholera.

B: I just feel like I’ve missed my chance.
A: That’s not true.

B: I’m not particularly deadly.
People already wonder why they were ever worried about me.
I’m basically a joke at this point, A!

A: Don’t say that, Swine Flu!
B: That’s another thing!
They’ve got half the world calling me H1N1 now!
Only my MOM calls me H1N1.

A: Mr. Watson–come here–I want you.

A: Uh-oh.

B: SUCCESS! I heard you, Mr. Bell!
A: What did you hear me say?
B: I heard it distinctly!
You said, “Mr. Watson, come here, I want you.”

A: I didn’t mean anything by it.
B: I uh… wha?
A: We work long hours in close quarters. I don’t want any confusion.
When I said, “I want you,” I just meant that I wanted you to join me here. In this room.
B: Of course. That’s exactly what I thought you meant.

A: Great. I’m going to go ahead and write in my journal that I said, “Mr. Watson, come here, I want TO SEE you.”
I’d like it if you would capture it the same way.
Okay?
Mr. Watson?

A: AHOY-HOY! Mr. Watson!
B: …hm?
A: Is that OKAY with you?
B: Oh, yeah, sure.
I’m just jazzed that the invention works. We can finally shave our rally beards!

B: Gerald! How’s your Aunt?
A: Not so great, M.B. But there have been some signs of improvement.
She still thinks she’s Matthew Wilder, though.
Sorta.

B: What does that mean? She “sorta” thinks she’s Matthew Wilder?
A: Well, for example, when we speak to her, she says…
“Ain’t nothin’ gonna breaka my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep”

…
B: That’s it? she just trails off like that?

A: Right. She stops at the 10% lyrical content threshold.
Her copyright doctor says that, subconsciously, she knows that it’s not her intellesctual property.
She’s terrified of being sued.

Ned didn’t know if stripping naked was essential to the success of his Somali Pirate Contingency Escape Plan, but he was loath to tinker with the formula.

A: Hey, M.B. What brings you here?
B: Waiting for a limo. Paris Hilton’s dog’s funeral.
I’ve got a few minutes, though.
How’s your Aunt Wanda?

A: Still in the hospital. Lately she believes she’s Matthew Wilder.
B: The 80′s pop musician?
A: Yep, that’s the guy. She sings “Break My Stride” pretty much non-stop.
She’s surprisingly good.

A: What do the doctors say? Are they making any progress with her?
B: Not much. Actually, they tell us that it’s family and friends that are more likely to have a positive effect on her behavior.

B: So what are you doing?
A: I cheer for “Break My Stride” and boo her when she tries to sing anything else from his discography.

A: I want you to know that we stand with you during this crisis. Our organization will be contributing over 10 million dollars to your relief effort.
B: We appreciate your generosity. It will help our people survive and rebuild.

…

A: So… would you like to convert to Christianity?
B: No thanks.

A: Hey there, Steve.
B: My name’s Stan.

A: Whatever. I’m here for some more Drink Me to de-bigulate our Alice.
B: You’re here every Tuesday. Are you sure you’re not giving her too much?
A: Listen friend. Your job is to PRODUCE Drink Me, not to tell me how to use it.

B: Actually, since it’s my area of expertise, I’d think that you’d at least want to…
A: You thought wrong, pal. Just make with the shrink juice and I’ll be on my way.

N: LATER…
A: Our Alice is way too small! We need to re-bigulate her!
B: Eat Me.

… and then they’re packed into soul-backed securities. This is where it gets really crazy. No one knew whose souls were in these SBSs, so no one really understood how they should be valued. They were rated like they were full of George Clooneys, but they’d actually been packed with as many John Stamoses as they could get away with! Once it started going bad, it was too late. Practically overnight, the whole system went to hell, so to speak. You got demons holding derivatives worth half of what they were yesterday–and falling–but they can’t get rid of them. Everybody’s spooked! So take no offense, my friend. There’s just no demand for souls on my end right now. But we’re making headway on a bailout from the big G. If that works out–fingers crossed–perhaps I’ll be swinging by here in about six months.

…
Are you enjoying this picture of George Washington?
…
Yes?
…
It’s actually Benedict Arnold
…
you un-American bastard

[de-backwardized]

A: I may have outgrown April Fools’ Day on the web.

A: If I’m duped by a fake story, I feel like a chode.
But now, I usually see it coming.
So it just seems lame.

B: Our son has apparently decided he’s ALL GROWED UP now and too MATURE for April Fools’ hoaxes.
C: Splendid. I’m right there with him.
Can I stop translating our blog into Klingon?
B: NO.

A: Come ON. She’s evil, and her giant oaf of a boyfriend is going to show up any minute now.
B: ((sigh))
You’re right.
A: So why are you still sitting there? LET’S GO.

…

B: But she smells so NICE.
A: Mm-hm. Listen, I’m going to get something heavy to conk you over the head with, okay?
C’: and he smells like feet.
! i think i hear todd’s truck out front !

May 13, 1864

Gen. Robert E Lee
C.S. Armies

General,

im in ur statez

killing ur d00dz

Respectfully,
U.S. Grant
Lt. Gen.

A: Will things EVER get better, Barry?
B: Of COURSE they will, love! Just not for awhile.
A: So should I sell all my stocks?
B: Probably not.

B: If a company looks like it’s about to go bankrupt, you shouldn’t ride it out.
In that case recover some money while you can.
Otherwise, unless you’re really desperate for cash, you should leave your stocks alone.

B: These are your LONG-TERM investments, and the market WILL go back up eventually. In the meantime, your 401(k) contributions are buying low.
Which is good.

A: But what about your friend? His advice seems so much simpler.
B: He’s a moron. Just ignore him.
C: buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy GM! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy Citigroup buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! buy! …and deregulate!

A: So let’s go right?
B: Wait. I have an idea.
A: I’m sure it’s terrible.

B: Look: I get it. Tracy sat next to me to make Todd jealous and has been texting insults about me the whole time.
But maybe she picked me for a reason. Maybe, subconsciously, she LIKES me. This could be my big chance to impress her.

A: By not putting up with her bullshit and leaving the party with your friend?
B: No, by standing up to Todd. How do you think I’d fare if it came to blows?

A: YOU in a fight with Todd, the roid rage linebacker?
Let’s see…
Todd, with fists the size of canned hams, versus Charlie and his intermittent asthma.
I dunno. That’s a tough call.

They’ll have to find someone else to write the next Emancipation Proclamation

Abe: This was when I separated West Virginia from Virginia. Here, I shut down a bunch of opposition newspapers and had their owners and editors arrested. Then I set up military tribunals to prosecute civilians I deemed disloyal. Oh, and here’s where I suspended habeas corpus again, this time throughout the entire nation.

Tad: Jeez, Dad. Did you do anything that WAS constitutional?

A: (…This one? No, that’s not it…)
B: Ahem.
It’s been 20 minutes!
You still haven’t answered my question.

A: Research takes time, my dear.
B: Yes.
But I must say, I rather expected that you would just… KNOW.
Off the top of your head.

A: I wouldn’t dream of providing you UNCONFIRMED information!
What if it turned out to be inaccurate? You would carry it out into the world, misinforming the populace, and I would be responsible.
I couldn’t bear it.

A: (…I’m SURE I put it up here…)
B: I asked if you love me.
A: Ah! My diary. Here it is.

That guy’s a douchebag.

A: Dude. She’s just USING YOU to make her big oaf of a boyfriend jealous.
Now let’s get out of here before Todd shows up and punches you in the neck.

B: Well…
A: Well what?
B: Maybe she wants to make Todd jealous because she doesn’t like him anymore.
Maybe she likes ME.

A: No. She’s been dissing you electronically for fifteen minutes.
B: Oh.
Well that sucks.
C’: [...] to his friend.
at least the little freak isn’t staring at my hair anymore.

A: Fashion preview, ladies.  This spring’s dresses will be 10 percent LARGER.
B: Oh, kill me now.
C: Fuck it! I’m moving to Canada!
D: I’ve got a papasan chair under this thing already! What is WITH this simulated-ginormous-ass fetish, anyway?

A: I know that these are the WORST of circumstances.
Things appear to be at their bleakest.
But did you know? The Chinese word for crisis, wei-ji, means danger, but also OPPORTUNITY.

…

A: So let’s try to look at this as an opportunity, okay?
B: My entire village was sucked into the ocean.

A: I’m still hung up on losing the election, Pete.
B: STILL? You’ve had a great career, Bob. Don’t focus on your ONE loss.
ENJOY this reprieve from public service. Look at it as a chance to play more golf.

A: The media were OBSESSED with my foibles!
B: Let’s not start that again.
A: Point is, we needed to catapult the propaganda and speak directly to the people!
Why did you cancel all those town hall meetings?
B: *sigh*

B: YOU TURNED VOTERS OFF, Bob. The more you spoke to them, the less they liked you.
A: Nonsense! I was the most popular politician in the state!
B: That was over 20 years ago. Now you’re old and cranky.
With a nasty temper.

A: What!? When have I EVER lost my temper in public?
B: May I introduce you to the ball you ripped open with your teeth on the 5th green?
A: Oh, THAT again? You’re OBSESSED with that ball.

X: Drill, Baby, Drill?
Y: Taken.
X: I’m Fucking Matt Damon, then.
Y: Enter, sir.
A: ?
Pardon me.
Mr. Weesen invited me to his party. Do I have to wait in this line? I don’t get what’s going on.

B: First time, friend? I’ll clue you in.
Each year, Avery Weesen throws an AMAZING New Year’s Eve party, but he acts as his own doorman.
A: So… what? Everyone has a password?
B: Not exactly. Avery only lets you in if you can name a pop culture reference from the past year.

A: Oh. That’s neat, I guess. Doesn’t sound too hard.
B: Perhaps, newbie. But Avery is judge, jury, and executioner when it comes to what qualifies.
A: Executioner?
B: Alright, I went a bit dramatic there. But he’s picky, and he gets impatient if you don’t come up with something quickly.
And no repeats allowed.

C: Dammit! I have to go to the back of the line again!
All the Britney Spears material is used up, guys.
D: That little ho-bag was my TICKET!

A: Tommy, are you alright? C’mon, wake up, man.
B: I can hear him breathing, at least.
C: He’s probably just faking!
B: He’s not FAKING, Alice.

A: Don’t cry, Carol. He’ll be alright.
D: I’m not crying, I’m BLEEDING. Asshole threw a shot glass at my eye.
E: nnn-maa
B: Let’s move him over to that couch.

C: Oh, look at me! I’m Tommy! I come to my sister’s Christmas party coked up and drunk ‘cuz I’m a SELFISH PRICK! Then I strip naked and pass out because I need attention ALL THE TIME!
B: You’re not being helpful right now, Alice!

A: Don’t you think that authentic German accents would have helped immerse viewers in the time and place of the story?
B: We decided to go another way.
Instead of 12 actors affecting 12 different German accents, we decided to remove that barrier between the actors and the audience.

A: But it’s not uniform. The Valkyrie cast is a mix of Americans and Brits, each with his own native accent. That seems more distracting.
B: You get used to it quickly.
Besides, wrapping English in a foreign accent is a trite, disingenuous movie convention.
These historical figures spoke their native language. The actors playing them should do the same. We believe that’s more authentic.

A: Tom Cruise’s German accent was THAT bad?
B: Really, REALLY horrible.
So horrible.

A: So… um… this is a great party.

A: I mean, you know, it’s a pretty cool party so far, huh?

B: Mm-hm
A: Maybe there’ll be dancing later.

A: So, you got an iPhone, huh?

A: I’d like an iPhone, but my Mom…
C: Psst.
A: I mean, when I get an iPhone, maybe we could…
C: Pssst!

C: Dude, ABORT.
Tracy’s been texting her friends in the other room.
She’s sitting next to you to make her boyfriend jealous.

B’: now he’s talking to his idiot friend.
is todd here yet?

A: What do you think? Too much cleavage? I want some attention tonight, but I don’t want to go overboard.
C: In that case, yeah, you should cover up. Maybe you’ll attract a better class of men if you lead with your personality instead of your chest.

A: Uh… well… What do YOU think, Marie? Too much cleavage?
B: I don’t know. I can’t see a fucking thing. This bonnet is bullshit.
C: Sigh. Your boobs look fine. Can we go already?

Hold your shit, Tommy. He doesn’t know you’re high. Just keep it together.

Could you please stop moving the chart? I’m trying to practice. Look, Betty, you’re a nice girl and all, but… See? I even wore my pink suit. That was supposed to be a hint. I’m not interested.

A: I lost the election because the media are biased against me!
B: No, they’re not.
A: There’s a study that proves it.

A: In the last 3 months of coverage, 75% of the stories about me were negative in tone, compared to 40% for my opponent.
B: Bob, you got negative stories because the media covered the campaign.

B: Economists agreed that your tax proposals made no sense whatsoever.
A: Not all of them.
B: Then you called that staffer a “shithead” on national TV.
A: One verbal slip in 14 months of campaigning.
No substance there.

B: Then, last month, you were indicted for murder.
A: Attempted murder. That dude’s still alive.

A: Hmm.
B: Did you hear? It’s been ratified.

A: Oh, hey, Bob. Yeah, I was just reading about it: “19th Amendment is Law of the Land”
B: Yesterday, women couldn’t vote. Today, they can.
A right granted them by legislatures of men.

A: Yep.
B: Yep.

A: How did we loseWeight Exercise this one?
B: It doesn’t make sense!

Q: Who’s compensating for a small dick?
A: Harold is

A: See that girl?
Banged her.

B: Doubtful.

C: shhhh! Shut UP!

A: Let’s get back to the subject of Iraq and the Middle East.
B: Alright.
A: Could you describe the difference between Sunni and Shia?
B: Certainly.

B: Of course, I’m no theologian, so I don’t claim to understand the specific tenets of faith that separate them.
But I can tell you that they are different sects of Islam, and two groups that don’t always see eye to eye.

B: Iraq and Iran are majority Shiite, but for the most part, the Shia are the minority sect in the Middle East.
Sunni, for his part, was mayor of Palm Springs and later served in the U.S. house of representatives, until his timely death in 1998.

A: Did… did you just confuse “Sunni and Shia” with “Sonny and Cher” again?
B: No. Yes.
Let me ask Jim Lieberman.
A: You mean JOE Lieberman.
B: Of course.

My lord! Stop talking to the Rockbiter and get to the Ivory Tower, already!
I saved my sandwich for this!?

A: I’d like to ask you about some troubling statements you made a few months ago.
B: Okay. Shoot.

A: Until you were corrected by Joe Lieberman, you made statements that seemed to show that you did not understand the difference between Sunni and Shia.
B: That’s absurd.

B: I have never confused the two.  I don’t see how you could.
They entertained America as a couple.  After their very public divorce, they…
A: Senator–I’m sorry to interrupt.

A: You’re saying that the Sunni and Shia… got divorced.
B: Yes–What?
Oh. Oh!
I thought you said “Sonny and Cher”.

Ooo! What a jaunty hat!

Hank had been losing 2 or 3 Leyden jars a month before he started chaining them to the table.

A: I’m having second thoughts, Mother.

A: I entered into this commitment too hastily.
I can’t… I’m just not ready.
I have to call it off.

B: I’m sorry, Mr. Henry. My son says he doesn’t want you to clip his balls after all!
C: Pish posh. They all say that.
He’ll feel better after they’re gone.

Washington and Lincoln
BFF